OKAY OKAY... It's a word I've just made up... but I'm sure it should be a label/diagnosis, If you have insomnia I dont know how you couldnt be depressed, and if your depressed that alone will create insomnia let alone the miriad of meds you get thrown onto...
I have never been a good sleeper, but I've always been GREAT at laying in bed for all hours. well actualy I've recently learnt that when ppl say "it takes time and you have to accept that, before things will start to get better" it really is true. I have beaten myself up all my life because I have found it so hard to sleep but over the last yr or so I've been saying to myself "if you really feel like you need to lay down, do it and do it without guilt" and it has taken time but I just repeated it to myself (and still do to a point) over and over and eventualy it seemed to have sunk in, and now I hardly go for lay down during the day at all, I think the guilt of having depression and letting everyone around you down is enough to make a person want to just go back to bed, but if you do go back to bed dont do it with guilt...
Mostly I dont sleep at night then I'm so exausted during the day, that I lay in bed all day, I have had lots and lots of advice from ppl as to how to help me sleep at night but I've come to realise I needed to work out why I couldnt sleep at night. Firstly, because of all the abuse I was scared to be in my own bed, my imaginatioin would run riot and I would see ppl peeking around the corner of my door, also all of my life I have slept with a sheet, blanket and two quilts over me, I think this has been mainly to try and protect myself, I had to slowly learn to sleep with less and less blankets, so I gradualy got down to being naked under my blankets then slowly took off one blanket at a time and now if I so desiered I could sleep naked on my bed with just a blanket over my hips (awful thought I know). Also I couldnt even poke my knee off the side of the bed, I'm still working on this one but I know I'll get there if I use my old theory of do it when 'I feel ready. Slowly but surely I know I will get there and then I shall evolve into whats commonly know as "normal"...
I still cant sleep in the house if my kids are at their dads, so usualy I will just stay up all night, coz they are only over there for one night a fortnight most of the time, but I have started to train myself in this as well...
I think I will always be a horrible sleeper but it CAN get better, maybe not perfect, but better...
Saturday, October 20, 2007
*WARNING* May Trigger...
I just thought I'd add something here... usualy on sites where you talk about issues like DEPRESSION, if someone is going to put a post up that has content in it that may trigger a memory or feeling for someone they put "*WARNING* May Trigger" at the beginning of the post. I wont do that, as I'm sure for some ppl even the word DEPRESSION may trigger stuff for them. so I'll just tell you now, I will try not to put any detailed info of actual abuse in my posts unless I feel it is needed to explain the effect its had/having on me in my adult yrs...
Also, I think I'll use this post to just quickly (if thats possible) tell you about my abusers, firstly I will never put identifying info on this blog, for my abuser/s I will use my own little code, I will also use that for my siblings and parents if I happen to say something about them, I just realise if I am saying something about these ppl I may need to use the same code each time so you can have an idea of who is doing or saying what...
Codes & genaral run down of the type of abuse & age it occured: fud1' 3 to 6 yrs - verbal, physical and emotional/mental abuse, b3' 3 to 13 yrs - sexual, physical abuse, b4' 6 to 13 yrs - sexual, physical abuse, fud2' 9 yrs - (not really abuse but effected my life greatly) suicide, st1' 10 yrs - sexual abuse, fud3' 10 yrs - sexual abuse, fud4' 11 to 16 yrs - physical, emotionl/mental abuse, st2' 11 yrs - sexual abuse, fp1' 12yrs - sexual abuse, fp2' 12 to 13 yrs - sexual abuse, sb1' 13 yrs - sexual abuse, dh1' 13 to 15 sexual, physical and emotional/mental abuse, dh2' 21 to 31 - sexual, physical, emotional/mental, financial abuse, st3' 31 yrs - sexual abuse, st4' 31yrs - sexual abuse. other codes of general ppl in my life are, s1', s2', b1', b2', h', c', uc', ub', ud', ur', ubi', uph', uro', um', aj', aM', ama', at', aS', ast', f1', f2', f3', f4', f5', f6', . That just about says it all, there will be other codes popped in now and then when needed but I will try not to go off track and talk about others so they will only be there if its needed... some of these ppl are abusers, some are parents, friends, aquaintances...
I hope that wasnt too terrifying for you, there is probably no need to read them all, and probably no need for me to write them all here just yet, but if stuff comes up I want you and I to be aware of basicaly who I am talking about so you can recognise if that person has been mentioned somewhere else...
Also, I think I'll use this post to just quickly (if thats possible) tell you about my abusers, firstly I will never put identifying info on this blog, for my abuser/s I will use my own little code, I will also use that for my siblings and parents if I happen to say something about them, I just realise if I am saying something about these ppl I may need to use the same code each time so you can have an idea of who is doing or saying what...
Codes & genaral run down of the type of abuse & age it occured: fud1' 3 to 6 yrs - verbal, physical and emotional/mental abuse, b3' 3 to 13 yrs - sexual, physical abuse, b4' 6 to 13 yrs - sexual, physical abuse, fud2' 9 yrs - (not really abuse but effected my life greatly) suicide, st1' 10 yrs - sexual abuse, fud3' 10 yrs - sexual abuse, fud4' 11 to 16 yrs - physical, emotionl/mental abuse, st2' 11 yrs - sexual abuse, fp1' 12yrs - sexual abuse, fp2' 12 to 13 yrs - sexual abuse, sb1' 13 yrs - sexual abuse, dh1' 13 to 15 sexual, physical and emotional/mental abuse, dh2' 21 to 31 - sexual, physical, emotional/mental, financial abuse, st3' 31 yrs - sexual abuse, st4' 31yrs - sexual abuse. other codes of general ppl in my life are, s1', s2', b1', b2', h', c', uc', ub', ud', ur', ubi', uph', uro', um', aj', aM', ama', at', aS', ast', f1', f2', f3', f4', f5', f6', . That just about says it all, there will be other codes popped in now and then when needed but I will try not to go off track and talk about others so they will only be there if its needed... some of these ppl are abusers, some are parents, friends, aquaintances...
I hope that wasnt too terrifying for you, there is probably no need to read them all, and probably no need for me to write them all here just yet, but if stuff comes up I want you and I to be aware of basicaly who I am talking about so you can recognise if that person has been mentioned somewhere else...
In The Beginning...
Well... This is just for me really, but anyone else who 'happens' apon my little writtings is welcome to read and if possible, as this is my first go at this, leave a message...
I'm not even really sure how all this works, but I had heard of blogs and gotten into one that this mother had done, which I'll probably link to down the track, when I get the hang of this...
Anyway, don't come in here expecting a perfectly eddited blog, I'm horrible at spelling, punctuation and often my fingers dont corrispond with my brain so there will be many typos, so I guess to tell you what you can expect I would have to say lots of typos, no punctuation, lots of chat lingo 'as I'm a chatter from way back', and obviously some miss-spellings 'if that is even a word', Oh and lots of words that probably are'nt even words...
This blog is about THE BIG BLACK DOG. For those of you who are not familiar with him, his more common name is DEPRESSION, there will undoubtably be many forms of Depression and Mental Illness written about here, but I'm sure we will all be able to relate in some way or another...
This is just my first little hello and we'll see where we go from there...
I have mainly decided to do this coz I have so many thoughts and feelings going through my mind that I just wanted to get them down, and maybe I'll be able to put them to better use down the track...
I have basicaly had Depression of one form or another all my life, I grew up with a lot of abuse and it continued on through my adult life until I finaly about 2 yrs ago gave up on trying to please EVERYONE all the time. I am a single mum of 4 now and had to learn very quickly that all of the 4 children wont be happy all of the time, and that followed on to help me realise that this is true for everyone you meet, you can never make everyone happy so the only person you should worry about is yourself...
My most recent LABEL 'diagnosis' has only recently been put on me. "Dissociative Subtype Schizophrenia", Now we can never 100 % rely on any diagnosis, but looking into it this one seems pretty acurate, my pdoc (psychiatrist) told me that this 'Label' has not been totaly approved by all the boards that do the approving of these things, but apparently it is on the book...
I dont ever really have psychotic eppisodes but I do go into psychosis on occassion, my psychotic eppisodes that do occure are usualy something I hide alot and I dont go out and yell at ppl or go crazy, like the steriotypical psychotic eppisode, it is more internal for me, like if I feel bugs crawling all over me, noone will usualy have a clue even if they are looking me square in the eye. With my psychosis i also withdraw, I guess you could say I go into myself, I go quiet, I lose all concept of time, I mostly dont even notice ppl around me, whether I know them well or not, its like Iv gone into some internal world Iv created for myself, and someone else comes out to be with the world around us while Im hidden inside, that 'someone' is there to protect me and make things safe for me to come back out again...
Even tho DEPRESSION is really a condition of being sad, I think it is quite funny, there are many thoughts and feelings that go on inside that I'm sure we can all have a laugh at, tho there will be some serious times too, so hold on for a bumpy ride my friends, coz it goes pretty fast and you never know where the next bend is or where its going to take us....
I'm not even really sure how all this works, but I had heard of blogs and gotten into one that this mother had done, which I'll probably link to down the track, when I get the hang of this...
Anyway, don't come in here expecting a perfectly eddited blog, I'm horrible at spelling, punctuation and often my fingers dont corrispond with my brain so there will be many typos, so I guess to tell you what you can expect I would have to say lots of typos, no punctuation, lots of chat lingo 'as I'm a chatter from way back', and obviously some miss-spellings 'if that is even a word', Oh and lots of words that probably are'nt even words...
This blog is about THE BIG BLACK DOG. For those of you who are not familiar with him, his more common name is DEPRESSION, there will undoubtably be many forms of Depression and Mental Illness written about here, but I'm sure we will all be able to relate in some way or another...
This is just my first little hello and we'll see where we go from there...
I have mainly decided to do this coz I have so many thoughts and feelings going through my mind that I just wanted to get them down, and maybe I'll be able to put them to better use down the track...
I have basicaly had Depression of one form or another all my life, I grew up with a lot of abuse and it continued on through my adult life until I finaly about 2 yrs ago gave up on trying to please EVERYONE all the time. I am a single mum of 4 now and had to learn very quickly that all of the 4 children wont be happy all of the time, and that followed on to help me realise that this is true for everyone you meet, you can never make everyone happy so the only person you should worry about is yourself...
My most recent LABEL 'diagnosis' has only recently been put on me. "Dissociative Subtype Schizophrenia", Now we can never 100 % rely on any diagnosis, but looking into it this one seems pretty acurate, my pdoc (psychiatrist) told me that this 'Label' has not been totaly approved by all the boards that do the approving of these things, but apparently it is on the book...
I dont ever really have psychotic eppisodes but I do go into psychosis on occassion, my psychotic eppisodes that do occure are usualy something I hide alot and I dont go out and yell at ppl or go crazy, like the steriotypical psychotic eppisode, it is more internal for me, like if I feel bugs crawling all over me, noone will usualy have a clue even if they are looking me square in the eye. With my psychosis i also withdraw, I guess you could say I go into myself, I go quiet, I lose all concept of time, I mostly dont even notice ppl around me, whether I know them well or not, its like Iv gone into some internal world Iv created for myself, and someone else comes out to be with the world around us while Im hidden inside, that 'someone' is there to protect me and make things safe for me to come back out again...
Even tho DEPRESSION is really a condition of being sad, I think it is quite funny, there are many thoughts and feelings that go on inside that I'm sure we can all have a laugh at, tho there will be some serious times too, so hold on for a bumpy ride my friends, coz it goes pretty fast and you never know where the next bend is or where its going to take us....
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